The Politics of Truck Balls.

If I may be so bold as to manbroach a PG-13 subject with you all, let us examine the issues surrounding truck balls.


I refer, of course, to those large replica testicles you sometimes find affixed to the back of an unashamedly male American's truck. It took me some time to come to grips with this issue. As an American and a lifelong fan of God, I abhor nudity. It's unnatural and perverse. I've only been nude four times in my life, and after each instance, I couldn't stop screaming for days. In my mind, I could see my mother weeping and could feel the ghost of Ronald Reagan flogging my immodest bottom with his unyielding leathery hand. The human body is truly a fearsome thing to behold, which is why I initially supported an effort by a Republican representative in the Maryland Assembly to ban truck testicles.

However, after considering that the purpose of true patriotism is to instill fear in our foes, I changed my mind. According to my calendar, we are still living in a post-9/11 world. The eyes of terrorist Islamocommies peer out from every street corner, every unfamiliar face, and every shower nozzle. Given this set of unfortunate facts, it is not only our right but our DUTY to ward off evil with fearsome displays of patriotic shaven man-eggs. Al-Qaeda might be crazy, but even they fear nudity. So when our unsheathed virtual crotch plumage dangles to and fro from under our mighty American hot rods, we repel Hamas and their vaginist Democrat allies just as surely as garlic and holy water ward off AIDS.

What's more, with our male identity threatened here at home by Title IX, Gloria Steinem and Will & Grace, we must not miss an opportunity to hold the line against cultural vasectomy.

After learning of the defeat of the anti-scrotum bill in Maryland, I celebrated by teste-fying my masculine automobile.


Fear the government that fears your balls.

Mr. Ghost Reagan? You understand, don't you?

Don't you?

None Dare Call It Wack

I LOVE America. My love for America runs so deep and hard that you couldn't possibly understand the strength of my patriotism. You might think you do, but you don't. You don't, and you never will. NEVER NEVER NEVER. So just quit trying. Asshole.

Though people will never comprehend the size of my star-spangled stiffy, it's important that they are at least aware of it. After all, if you love America but nobody knows about it, what's the fucking point? Unobtrusive patriotism neither supports your troops nor intimidates your neighbors.

In Charlotte, North Carolina, people know this. That's why they have established "I Love America Day" on March 19th. The holiday's founder says she started I Love America Day "because more than two months pass before Memorial Day without a patriotic holiday". Indeed, studies have shown that per capita patriotism dips to dangerously low levels during this blame-America-first time period.That's disgraceful. That sound you hear is George Washington puking into his fedora.

An organization called Flags Across The Nation is putting on a patriotic art display on I Love America Day. Their slogan reads "Promoting Patriotism Through The Arts". So far, so good. Jesse Helms once declared "Art is no damn good"; however, an exception must be carved out for art birthed in service of the state. But before you go prematurely showering Flags Across The Nation with love like I did, get this: their Patriotic Art Contest is only open to children. No adults need apply! What in the name of Danny Fuckin' Bonaduce is that shit?

Now, I understand the need to influence youth through mandatory patriotism. I have no problem with their participation in this art contest. But to exclude every other red-semened American from competing is an injustice far greater than anything Marvin Gaye "had a dream" about. Flags Across The Nation have instituted an extreme form of affirmative action solely to benefit "victimized Juvenile-Americans". I have alerted Ward Connerly to this latest politically-correct cockblock to achieving a truly age-blind society.

Not only does this contest promote age-ism; it threatens America's very security. By forbidding adults from entering the Children's Patriotic Art Contest, they are endangering America. They will be celebrating patriotic art created by children, who, sorry to say, are the people least intellectually equipped to convey ideas. If science has tought us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that children are simply inferior to adults. Hey, don't get mad - I'm just saying what everybody's thinking.

Given the inadequacy of children, to entrust them with the vitally important task of conveying American patriotism to enemy liberals, foreign and domestic, is so thoroughly irresponsible as to be tantamount to treason. I KNOW my Ameri-art would totally kick the ASS of any candy-ass children's art. But does Fags Across The Nation care that first prize rightfully belongs to me? Judging by the tone of their response to my rageful man-mail, NO!

With this, my boldly testicular pièce de résistance, America can feel proud once more.


Fuck Charlotte.

Why We Surge: Penile Clarity in the War On Liberalism.

Gentlemen, I sit before you tonight in a fetid pool of my own man-angst. Our country is facing a formidable set of foes, and the toxic triumvirate of Islamocommunism, feminism and homosexuality are giving Uncle Sam a gangbanging, the memory of which he will have one hell of a time repressing.

This vaginal year of our Lord, 2007, opened with Nancy Pelosi wielding the Speaker's gavel as a political tampon, soaking up the crimson war dreams of us Red-statists for disposal in the latrine of moral relativist equivalence. This coincided with the revelation that we're not winning the Iraq war - a war we were winning just a few weeks prior. Man hint: the reason for the sudden downturn in our war fortunes has much to do with the hail of doubt fire raining down on Old Glory in the form of estrogen-fueled Dummycrat negativism.

Now, if you know me, you're aware that I am man enough to admit to stuff, like when I admitted that Republicans are awesome. But now, circumstances are such that I have to admit something bad: liberals are gaining momentum. This is shown in the fact that, according to a recent poll taken on the war, 61% of Americans are anti-American. Under the sway of sodomite Saddamites, a majority of Americans now favor giving themselves a black eye. Why are you hitting yourself, America? Why are you hitting yourself?

In the morass of this limp-wristed self-abuse, leave it to our cocksure ComMANder In Chief to polish America's sword and prime its seamen for the long haul. Bush is not about to let America defy America's will to win. Surge is more than just a bright green soft drink from the late 90's. It is a plan for victory. Victory at home, that is. Let me man-splain.

It may well be the case that 20,000 additional US troops won't be sufficient to turn Iraq into a cradle of equality, religious tolerance and enlightenment like Alabama. But that's not really the point. This is about a larger and ultimately even better war: the Culture War. Ever since the 60's, the authority of white Christian men has been eroded by the permissive subversion of beatnik hippie mod gangsta raver punk freaks. Thanks to "victimized" interest groups like "women", "gays", and "Hebrews", Anglo-American dude-iful swagger suffered the syphilitic arrows of outrageous outrage. Yet was it not this very butchification that made America the most badass planet in the solar system?

Despite their impudence, we didn't have the leftists all executed. In response, did these whiny slackers show us due gratitude? Oh no they didn't! A simple "Thanks for not having us all executed" was apparently too much to ask. Instead, WE were forced to get used to THEM being both "here" and "queer".

After the potheads spent decades emasculating America through agitation, appeasement, and rejecting us for dates, haters of Western nads abroad were emboldened. The results of this were seen on the unforgettable day of September the 11th, 2002 (2001? 2000? whenever) - Islamocommies severed two glistening, rigid pillars of American potency. This attack shouldn't have surprised anyone. After all, if our domestic effeminate elitists don't fear our patriotic machismo, why would scary Middle-Easterners do so?

It took leaders with manful souls like Bush, Cheney and Condi to understand this. Normal Americans yearned to stop being shamed for being born white, Protestant and totally not defensive about their sexuality. The old societal order, having one ball in the grave, was in crisis. THAT - the existential crisis of testosteronepolitik - is why we had to invade Iraq. Of course that stuff about WMDs was bullshit, but you hippies weren't supposed to POINT THAT OUT! The cake's not yellow, it's CHICKEN!!!

So invaded Iraq we didst. America's enemies, within and without, were shocked and awed by our explosive geo-virility. But the freak-flagged foes of penile clarity birthed a rear-guard assault from their wobbly wombs. With IEDs and ironic quips blemishing the Erectile Restoration, the authorities are being made to look foolish. God-engorged manpower is under withering assault, and not just from terrorists and lesbians, but from demographic shifts, illegal immigration, the War On Christmas, music I don't understand, single mothers, satire, China, the immoral yet intoxicating allure of gay pornography, etc.

Dear friends, we are on the verge of losing the CONTROL we WASPs were lead to believe we deserved. Control over those who require our testicular guidance - even control over ourselves is at stake. That's why this surge is needed. It's not about suppressing Sunni-Shiite sectarianism. I couldn't even type that sentence without yawning. No, it's about making a last stand for the credibility of Manhood. Writing our names in the sand, we stalwart cyber-spawn of the spores of Bill Buckleyism stand athwart post-modern post-traumatic post-pardum history, yelling "I'M RELEVANT!"

Yea, verily, let our testiculation reverberate through the certitude-averse cervixes of ye who would have ME question MY identity and MY truths.

One last opportunity to shoulder the White Cock's Burden.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

In which I try to cheer you up.

I've been away on man leave for a bit, but in my absence, I doubt you needed an explanation of just what a tragic week this has been for the besieged ideals of patriotism, masculinity and marble ceilingism. I know you wanted one, though, so I'll give you one. But not quite yet. For now is the time for us manful blog-warriors to keep our pride-swollen heads up above the depressing waters of Democrat defeatism. I will not let you mope when we still have so much to make others fight for.

In this spirit of resilience and cheer, I present unto you an anti-naysaying anthem for the ages; the kind you don't see on liberal TV screens.


(Tips For Teens - Sparks)

Words of insight calling to mind the best of Ayn Rand and Edmund Burke:

I've got a snapshot of your aunt Maureen.
She's ninety and you're a teen.
I'm trying to cheer you up. Don't be so mean.
Don't be so mean.

Our Greatest Loss of 2006

This has been a rough year for those of us who are fans of honor. Let us take a moment to remember our most tragic loss of this past year: the political career of Donald Rumsfeld.

Having been brought down by a Bush-bashing boorish buttsex ballot box midterm coup, Mr. Rumsfeld wasn't just America's finest ever Defense Secretary, he was the very personification of America's rugged scrotum. Contemptuous of his effeminate lessers in the media, he brought strength and hope to those of us who yearn for the days when authoritative machismo was something to be revered, not mocked. And that's why the Left tried so hard to bring him down. The testicular wisdom of a noble patriot did not square with their dream of a society in which doubt-ridden vaginistas give Americans their prancing orders and our mighty Constitution is little more than a granola tampon.

As traditional male authority wanes and men like Donald Rumsfeld and me are cheerfully defied, we all become blubbering bridesmaids in the wedding of Allah and Alan Alda.

The pansy-pussy liberals had a good year. Penile authority has been diminished. But, hey. Stuff Happens. We patriots still have Rumsfeld dancing deep in our hearts. America's unrestrained testosterrific glory will make a smiting comeback in 2007.


I know why the caged patriot sings.

It's because he's awesome.

Manley's Growing Influence

In an act of courageous patriotism and spellbinding mansomeness, Jesus' General, the ultimate American's American, has linked to my anti-Polk Daily Kos diary.

I just came a little bit.

New Anti-Polk/Pro-CHRISTmas wallpaper

Just in time for CHRISTmas, I thought I'd deck your damn halls with some new wallpaper. Let everyone around you know exactly how you feel about Christmas and former President James "Gay" Polk all at the same time.

(widescreen)


(regular-ass screen)

Oh my! Do i feel a DRAFT?

Ahoy, gentlemen. Today, the "press" has reported on encouraging developments on the manliness front! The Secretary for Veterans Affairs has fired a man-shot across the bow of anti-American homoleftism by saying "society would benefit" from the reinstatement of the draft! They're even testing out the man-chinery of the draft to make sure it'll work good when the time comes to really rock out!

This news has sent my patriotestosterone roaring down the Manley Highway at the speed of Right. The draft is precisely what our sweet-ass nation needs. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm against liberal governmental intrusion into our lives when it comes to saving whales, lowering the amount of E. coli in our tap water, and teaching our schoolchildren how to smoke pot and penises. But conservative government coercion is to be lustfully embraced. When you're forced to fight a war to strengthen the authority of your leaders, you appreciate American Freedom all the more when/if you get home.

Regrettably, my excema would prevent me from serving, but then I'm more valuable to the war effort by blogging anyways. Just like when, during WWII, Ronald Reagan was instructed to assist the war effort by making monkey documentaries for Uncle Sam.

Of all the awesome things a draft would do, the most awesome thing of all would be that our pampered sissy celebrities would be made to fight for my freedom!


All kidding aside, the draft might be the key to America securing victory in the War On Christmas. It would be reckless NOT to implement it. Remember, Secular Claus knows when you're sleeping, and knows when you're awake.

Don't be caught sleeping.

Soy's here, and soy's queer.

WorldNetDaily is widely acknowledged to be America's most trustworthy source of medical, spiritual and sexual guidance, as proven by the fact that Chuck Norris writes for them (Take that, Le Monde). Therefore, it is with the utmost manful urgency that I bring unto you this eye-opening article on the link between soy consumption and homofabulosity. The startling truth is that if you connect the dots, the lines connecting the dots spell out "Soy makes you gay".

Is WorldNetDaily exaggerating the gravity of this latest threat posed to American men's heterosexuality? If you think so, the following should set you straight, so to speak. Given what my research has demonstrated about our limp-wristed 11th President, this daguerreotype photo taken in a 19th-century soybean field is all the proof we need of soy's feminizing effects.

CHRISTmas wallpaper

I think it's been pretty definitively established that Christmas is under attack from elitist secular liberals who celebrate a mysterious unnamed "holiday" and who get their presents not from Santa, but from Satan. It is to combat these godless Jesus-bashers that I give to you my own Christmas wallpaper. Deck your monitor with my boughs of holly and point it at the nearest liberals in your office/family. Pour some American Christmas spirit down their puke-holes.

This is what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

(regular)

(widescreen)

You're welcome.

Amerigasmic!

Every now and then, when browsing the web, a man comes across patriotic merchandise so elegant, so tasteful, so manful that he is moved to show it on his blog.

This is just such a time.

(The War On) Christmastime Is Here

When you take a rare break from more manly pursuits to walk around the mall, do you ever see one of those elitist "Happy Holidays" signs in the window of a department store? Upon seeing a profitable corporation kick Jesus in the balls by refusing to wish you a "Merry Christmas", does your faith-based rage erupt on the spot? Do you scream until you begin to manfully weep; American Pride streaming down your cheeks? Do you throw yourself to the ground and start ripping off your clothes? As the crowd surrounding you gets bigger, does your screaming only get louder?

Of course, the correct answer to all of the above questions is yes. When a Christian Patriot is reduced to writhing naked on the ground by a secular department store, do you realize how bad this makes them look?

James K. Polk: Wrong for America.

Today, I'm going to give you a history lesson. Now, I'm not normally a fan of history. In fact, when someone tries to tell me something historical, I react with righteous and manful violence. After all, history is one of the Liberal Arts. But sometimes history can be good, so long as it serves the purpose of promoting American awesomeness. It is in that spirit that I bring unto you a historical fact that your left-wing "teachers" probably never told you about. They leave out this sort of thing in History Of Butt Sex 101.

Get this: 150 years ago, Canada stole a vast area of land from America! And they still occupy this land today! Since liberal map-ologists won't tell you the truth, I put together a map that shows what's really going on in North America.


In the 1840s, a big chunk of western North America called Oregon Country was being settles by mighty American frontiersmen. They had lots of honor and were very rugged. Sadly for them, Oregon Country was also being claimed by Canada. And if Canada conjures up images of gayness in your head they way it does in mine, check this out: Canada was owned by BRITAIN back then! This means the people up there were both Canadian AND British - a combination resulting in what scientists refer to as "The gayest people in the world, ever". Think Elton John meets the Kids In The Hall, only all 19th century-like.


Americans knew in their hearts that this land was rightfully theirs. They knew this because they believed in something called Manfest Destiny. This was the belief that it was our destiny to turn the entire continent into a Christian masculine paradise. In other words, a man-fest. And that term had NO gay subtext at ALL.

America's President at the time, James K. Polk, had campaigned on a promise to annex the entire Oregon Country. Polk's campaign ads featured the ragtime song "54-40 Or Fight" by Dead Moon. "54-40 Or Fight" was apparently some kind of secret code that meant "Canada sucks". But after he won the election, President Polk COMPROMISED with the Brits and GAVE AWAY half of the Oregon territory! Archaeologists argue that he did this for three reasons:

1. He was a hippie coward.
2. He was a Democrat. (redundant, I know)
3. As this recently unearthed rare color daguerreotype photo reveals, he was, shall we say, "alternatively-inclined".


Let us belatedly reject President Polk's gay treason and say to Canada: Unhand Our Land At Once.

Best. Country. Ever.

Patriotism, as defined in the dictionary, is probably the love and celebration of one's country because it is noble, powerful, awesome, and America.

This blog is dedicated to the notion that a vigorously patriotic culture is necessary to preserve America's status as the greatest country in the universe and the favorite nation of God and Jesus.

Now, it has been suggested that conspicuous displays of national glorification only serve to empower the ruling elite and bolster the egos of the vain and the modestly endowed with vicarious power. And you know who suggests such things? People who want to weaken America and destroy freedom, like Jacques Chirac, Jane Fonda, Osama bin Hussein, Adolf Hitler and Roger Ebert.


We red-statist cyber-Churchills are all about in-your-face-and-up-in-your-business patriotism - the kind of patriotism that distresses America's enemies. Liberal homos will sometimes tell you that respect for elitist concepts like "Constitutional rights" and "civil liberties" constitutes genuine patriotism. That notion deserves a big star-spangled LOL. Who's scared by that kind of limp-wristed patriotism? "Oooh, I support an illegal alien's Third Amendment right to snort marijuana off a gay spotted owl!" Yeah, that's really gonna make Kim Jong-Il quake in his turban.

I support forceful national pride. The sort of strident jingoism that puts hair on your chest and poop in your pants. My quest is a struggle for honor and virtue against the gathering jizz-storm of evildoing. Our society no longer cherishes the time-honored values of nationalism, manliness and jaw-jutting the way it once did. Secularists, feminists, multiculturalists and homosexual interior decorators have amassed at the border of the American psyche and won't rest until they have made us feel really, really bad about the traditional advantages we Anglo Christian hetero-men earned through fastidious bootstrap-pulling. By undoing our Bible Belt with subversive ironic quips, the cut-and-run Commissars seek to make us so demoralized that we get down on our knees, bend over and beckon the explosive blasts of the Islamocommies.

As a masculine patriot with an honor-engorged heart, it is my solemn duty to fight for my country. While some choose to do this by serving in the military, I've chosen to battle our enemies in the front lines of the Culture War by "manblogging" for the red, white and blue. Typing with one hand while holding my flag in the other, I blog to defend your freedom to obey the President.

To flutter your freedom putter, I will be collecting the most inspirational, soul-stirring patriotic imagery from around the web, enmancing (that's like enhancing, only more manful) them with Photoshop power when necessary. I truly believe that if General Patton were alive today, he'd be pwning our enemies with Photoshop instead of a musket and ninja stars.

Lest we get our Liberty Bell rung by the soft bigotry of low expectations, it falls upon us to advance the cause of national self-love. Only then will we successfully preserve and defend the ideals that our Founding Fathers may well have fought for.

Here in America, God regularly sheds his grace on all of us. My job is to gather up that grace and present it humbly unto you to remind you of our divine awesomeness. Nothing less than the fate of all Creation rests on your willingness to believe in American exceptionalism.

Come believe with me.