The Politics of Truck Balls.

If I may be so bold as to manbroach a PG-13 subject with you all, let us examine the issues surrounding truck balls.


I refer, of course, to those large replica testicles you sometimes find affixed to the back of an unashamedly male American's truck. It took me some time to come to grips with this issue. As an American and a lifelong fan of God, I abhor nudity. It's unnatural and perverse. I've only been nude four times in my life, and after each instance, I couldn't stop screaming for days. In my mind, I could see my mother weeping and could feel the ghost of Ronald Reagan flogging my immodest bottom with his unyielding leathery hand. The human body is truly a fearsome thing to behold, which is why I initially supported an effort by a Republican representative in the Maryland Assembly to ban truck testicles.

However, after considering that the purpose of true patriotism is to instill fear in our foes, I changed my mind. According to my calendar, we are still living in a post-9/11 world. The eyes of terrorist Islamocommies peer out from every street corner, every unfamiliar face, and every shower nozzle. Given this set of unfortunate facts, it is not only our right but our DUTY to ward off evil with fearsome displays of patriotic shaven man-eggs. Al-Qaeda might be crazy, but even they fear nudity. So when our unsheathed virtual crotch plumage dangles to and fro from under our mighty American hot rods, we repel Hamas and their vaginist Democrat allies just as surely as garlic and holy water ward off AIDS.

What's more, with our male identity threatened here at home by Title IX, Gloria Steinem and Will & Grace, we must not miss an opportunity to hold the line against cultural vasectomy.

After learning of the defeat of the anti-scrotum bill in Maryland, I celebrated by teste-fying my masculine automobile.


Fear the government that fears your balls.

Mr. Ghost Reagan? You understand, don't you?

Don't you?