None Dare Call It Wack
I LOVE America. My love for America runs so deep and hard that you couldn't possibly understand the strength of my patriotism. You might think you do, but you don't. You don't, and you never will. NEVER NEVER NEVER. So just quit trying. Asshole.
Though people will never comprehend the size of my star-spangled stiffy, it's important that they are at least aware of it. After all, if you love America but nobody knows about it, what's the fucking point? Unobtrusive patriotism neither supports your troops nor intimidates your neighbors.
In Charlotte, North Carolina, people know this. That's why they have established "I Love America Day" on March 19th. The holiday's founder says she started I Love America Day "because more than two months pass before Memorial Day without a patriotic holiday". Indeed, studies have shown that per capita patriotism dips to dangerously low levels during this blame-America-first time period.
That's disgraceful. That sound you hear is George Washington puking into his fedora.
An organization called Flags Across The Nation is putting on a patriotic art display on I Love America Day. Their slogan reads "Promoting Patriotism Through The Arts". So far, so good. Jesse Helms once declared "Art is no damn good"; however, an exception must be carved out for art birthed in service of the state. But before you go prematurely showering Flags Across The Nation with love like I did, get this: their Patriotic Art Contest is only open to children. No adults need apply! What in the name of Danny Fuckin' Bonaduce is that shit?
Now, I understand the need to influence youth through mandatory patriotism. I have no problem with their participation in this art contest. But to exclude every other red-semened American from competing is an injustice far greater than anything Marvin Gaye "had a dream" about. Flags Across The Nation have instituted an extreme form of affirmative action solely to benefit "victimized Juvenile-Americans". I have alerted Ward Connerly to this latest politically-correct cockblock to achieving a truly age-blind society.
Not only does this contest promote age-ism; it threatens America's very security. By forbidding adults from entering the Children's Patriotic Art Contest, they are endangering America. They will be celebrating patriotic art created by children, who, sorry to say, are the people least intellectually equipped to convey ideas. If science has tought us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that children are simply inferior to adults. Hey, don't get mad - I'm just saying what everybody's thinking.
Given the inadequacy of children, to entrust them with the vitally important task of conveying American patriotism to enemy liberals, foreign and domestic, is so thoroughly irresponsible as to be tantamount to treason. I KNOW my Ameri-art would totally kick the ASS of any candy-ass children's art. But does Fags Across The Nation care that first prize rightfully belongs to me? Judging by the tone of their response to my rageful man-mail, NO!
With this, my boldly testicular pièce de résistance, America can feel proud once more.
Fuck Charlotte.
