Just in time for CHRISTmas, I thought I'd deck your damn halls with some new wallpaper. Let everyone around you know exactly how you feel about Christmas and former President James "Gay" Polk all at the same time.
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(regular-ass screen)WorldNetDaily is widely acknowledged to be America's most trustworthy source of medical, spiritual and sexual guidance, as proven by the fact that Chuck Norris writes for them (Take that, Le Monde). Therefore, it is with the utmost manful urgency that I bring unto you this eye-opening article on the link between soy consumption and homofabulosity. The startling truth is that if you connect the dots, the lines connecting the dots spell out "Soy makes you gay".
Is WorldNetDaily exaggerating the gravity of this latest threat posed to American men's heterosexuality? If you think so, the following should set you straight, so to speak. Given what my research has demonstrated about our limp-wristed 11th President, this daguerreotype photo taken in a 19th-century soybean field is all the proof we need of soy's feminizing effects.
Today, I'm going to give you a history lesson. Now, I'm not normally a fan of history. In fact, when someone tries to tell me something historical, I react with righteous and manful violence. After all, history is one of the Liberal Arts. But sometimes history can be good, so long as it serves the purpose of promoting American awesomeness. It is in that spirit that I bring unto you a historical fact that your left-wing "teachers" probably never told you about. They leave out this sort of thing in History Of Butt Sex 101.
Get this: 150 years ago, Canada stole a vast area of land from America! And they still occupy this land today! Since liberal map-ologists won't tell you the truth, I put together a map that shows what's really going on in North America.
In the 1840s, a big chunk of western North America called Oregon Country was being settles by mighty American frontiersmen. They had lots of honor and were very rugged. Sadly for them, Oregon Country was also being claimed by Canada. And if Canada conjures up images of gayness in your head they way it does in mine, check this out: Canada was owned by BRITAIN back then! This means the people up there were both Canadian AND British - a combination resulting in what scientists refer to as "The gayest people in the world, ever". Think Elton John meets the Kids In The Hall, only all 19th century-like.
Americans knew in their hearts that this land was rightfully theirs. They knew this because they believed in something called Manfest Destiny. This was the belief that it was our destiny to turn the entire continent into a Christian masculine paradise. In other words, a man-fest. And that term had NO gay subtext at ALL.
America's President at the time, James K. Polk, had campaigned on a promise to annex the entire Oregon Country. Polk's campaign ads featured the ragtime song "54-40 Or Fight" by Dead Moon. "54-40 Or Fight" was apparently some kind of secret code that meant "Canada sucks". But after he won the election, President Polk COMPROMISED with the Brits and GAVE AWAY half of the Oregon territory! Archaeologists argue that he did this for three reasons:
1. He was a hippie coward.
2. He was a Democrat. (redundant, I know)
3. As this recently unearthed rare color daguerreotype photo reveals, he was, shall we say, "alternatively-inclined".
Let us belatedly reject President Polk's gay treason and say to Canada: Unhand Our Land At Once.
